Monday, September 21, 2009

am i doing this wrong?

so about a week ago one of my friends showed up to work in a headscarf. she called me over and told me she'd been thinking about it for years now and decided that this was the moment, this was the time. and the time she decided this was while she was watching me give a talk at work.

so today it's off.

and yesterday, at eid, i was the only woman there in a scarf. it was a south indian party, so there's kind of a cultural difference in interpretations of what you're supposed to wear, but i felt just about a conspicuous as i always do.

i think that's the thing. i feel conspicuous. and paradoxically naked. if i were walking around in a miniskirt and cleavage no one would be able to tell my religion or how important it was to me. granted, they still really can't-- with me all covered up-- but with this thing on my head i think they can hazard a guess. and they're right: yes, i'm muslim. yes, religion is very important to me. yes, i think it's safe to say that i spend all day trying very hard to do the right thing, the kind thing. and i'm always worried that i'm falling short.

i eat halal. i don't paint my fingernails. i'm (sporadically) trying to learn Arabic. when i pray i mean it. but somehow the depth of my faith-- and, frankly, the name of my faith in this Christian-majority country-- are kind of personal. and they're much more personal to me than my hair.

so today i sat in the middle of work feeling like a ridiculous fraud in my pretty, pretty scarf and for the millionth time since i put it on i thought about taking it off. and for the millionth time i didn't.

1 comment:

  1. Hey sorry you're going through a rough time...but know that none of it is wasted, it all counts. You're stronger than you think..I'm a new hijabi and sometimes I wonder if I put it on for the right reasons.. and I have doubts sometimes. But when I think about it deeply I realize the pressures I feel are coming from "what do other people think? what do other people say?" when I should be worried about "what do I think about it? how does it/ should it make me feel?"

    You are wearing the hijab for a noble cause, not for culture, not for style, not for fun, not for your parents, not for your husband, but for Allah. If you grasp the magnitude of this pure and righteous duty then you will be dauntless in the face of anyone that wants to bring you down to appease their guilty consciences.

    You are upholding the last strands of femininity and modesty in a land where sexuality comes cheap. Be proud to wear this token of Islam, the best way of life in the universe.

    Feel free to contact me if you ever need any help homie sendoola@gmail.com

    May Allah reward you for your efforts.. and may we both be guided to the siratul mustaqeem, and may we be strong in our convictions and practices. Ameen.

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