intentions

so last week when i went to the islamic center sunday class (which i privately think of as islam 101) the speaker veered off topic (my favorite part) and said something about intentions. i was kind of zoning out at the time, looking around the room or something, and didn't catch the first part (like you don't zone out now and then) but the point he was making was that he was having trouble in his prayer life a while back and was advised to refine his intention-- that was the key.

so i've been giving it a try. revealing to say the least. standing there, just me and God, Who can see perfectly well why i'm there, trying to articulate why at this particular moment i am praying-- "because it's time" just begs the question of why you are praying at all, let alone on time-- leads to different answers each and every time. sometimes i feel like i'm just slogging along, sometimes i feel like i'm practicing and trying to get better, sometimes i just want a break or a moment of peace-- mostly there are four or five reasons circling, many of which are embarassingly base. sometimes i'm hoping to feel God's presence or to connect with Him or to ask Him to guide me more closely or to comfort me. but how do you ask someone Who is always there, always with His hand on your forelock to be closer, to be more present, to guide you more closely? and the farthest i've gotten to the core of why i'm praying is a need to strengthen my end of the connection, to reach for Him, to take a breath and start over, to close my eyes and fall backwards into Him, to be swallowed up, lost...